I knew how to build a body that looked strong. At 235 pounds, as a competitive bodybuilder, that physique was more than muscle. It was identity. It was armor. I could walk into a room wearing proof that I knew how to work.
Then I got sick at 40. In seven weeks I dropped to 154 pounds. Emergency surgery came a few months later, at 41. I lost my colon, lived with an ileostomy, and eventually rebuilt with a J-pouch. The thing I had used to tell myself who I was had been taken away.
I spent years trying to build that body back. I still value strength. But the question changed. What am I building, and what is it helping me do?
Capacity has to include recovery
If my idea of strength only counts what I can push through, it leaves out a lot of being alive. Eating enough. Recovering. Recognizing fatigue. Adapting when my circumstances change. Asking for help. Those things can be less impressive than another hard set. They still matter.
Returning to the body means paying attention to the body I have today. I can have ambition without making every limit an insult. I can train hard without treating exhaustion as evidence that the work was good. I can want to change my physique without asking it to settle every question about my worth.
That is still work for me. My first reaction can be to reach for an old comfort or force an old standard. Recognizing it gives me a chance to choose something more useful. It does not make me suddenly above the reaction.
Stop treating every signal as an obstacle
Hunger, tiredness, tension, discomfort: I want to notice them before I start negotiating with them. Not every signal requires the same response. Sometimes I need movement. Sometimes I need food or rest. Sometimes I need to bring a concern to a qualified clinician rather than turn it into a discipline challenge.
My recovery is my experience, not a prescription for someone else’s surgery or body. The lesson I can share is the change in relationship: I had to learn to work with my body instead of demanding that it keep proving something.
One useful rep
Pause before your next workout or meal. Ask: “What am I bringing into this?” Notice your energy, hunger, mood, and what you’re hoping this action will accomplish. Then ask: “What would support me today?”
Choose one concrete response. A sensible training session. A meal you’ve been postponing. A walk. An earlier night. Getting advice about a concern you keep dismissing. You don’t need to turn the answer into another elaborate optimization project.
I didn’t do my rebuilding alone. I had support. But nobody else could inhabit my body for me or make the next choice. Strength became more useful when it started supporting the life I was living. That is the body I want to keep building.
Explore the Human Alchemy philosophy · Begin with a guided meditation